self understanding and old Disney music!

BLOCKS 

they happen to everyone, I think.

I would say writer's block, 

but actually, I've been writing nearly every day without fail.

And yet, lately, I feel anxiety when I think about posting anything that anyone might actually read.

So, in a sense, it's not writer's block, but a sort of energy block-- a self-imposed one, even--- and I don't quite understand it myself. 

I'm no psychologist -though I DID play a therapist in a short film--

(If you happen to be interested, I'll paste the link below!)

But anyway, I feel that I've been trying to understand my own strange-self more lately.

When I was younger, I didn't think it was super important to try to figure on what was going on in my head and heart on a daily basis, but as I've gotten older, I feel like it's one of the important parts of self-care...(as much as getting enough exercise each day, and drinking a LOT of water.)

Understanding ones' own self is somewhat deceptively difficult, however. . . 

and at the same time, this kind of inner-self-work is one of the keys which I've found to growing as a person. 

And as my work is in the acting realm, I feel that this personal work helps me immensely on a professional level as well---- which is a bonus for me I suppose! 

-----

Anyway, here's the thing...

just when I start to feel super blocked

the universe sends some kind of weird coincidence my way

that makes me question everything.

-------------

I often frequent this one cafe in Shimokitazawa to meet up with people--

It's actually a place which specializes in ojiya (rice porridge with various toppings) 

but I've never actually eaten there--- I've only had various hot drinks 

(they make a really nice kinako -roasted soy bean powder- latte)

It's a super cozy spot that sort of feels like being in someone's living room, 

toasty warm, and always smelling of delicious home-cooking. 

After going there a handful of times, I also realized that they play pretty interesting music.  

One day, they played a CD for a second time of a Japanese band which sounded 

much like the super obscure folky-rock bands that I listen to... 

and then the next time when I went there, 

they were playing a CD of really old Disney music, the songs that were in the movies of my childhood, but I'd forgotten about long long ago...

And in mid-conversation, when Candle on the Water from the film "Pete's Dragon" came on, I suddenly found myself totally lost in a personal reverie of sorts. 

I think I may have tuned out of the convo for a minute or so-- sorry, friend!

The next couple of times, I went back, they happened to be playing a similar CD--- and I recognized song Someone's Waiting For You from "The Rescuers", and suddenly--

 my mind was in a world full of magic 

soft around the edges like climbing into the most comfortable bed on a chilly night.

I love when music has this effect.

P.S. 

Here are a couple of links...

First, the aforementioned songs-- in reverse order-- 

which will (hopefully) make your heart a little lighter today!

-and here's the full film, by writer/ director Steve Poole, in which I play a therapist-

zombie run

I had a really bizarre dream last night. It felt very real and vivid at the time, but so totally wacky— and the strangest part was that from start to finish it was like watching a short film and right when it ended, I woke up.

In the dream, my friend S and I signed up to do a sort of race. (Already this is far from reality, as I am terrible at running and I pretty much avoid it at all costs). And this wasn’t like a normal half marathon or regular race— it was themed like a Halloween spooky race… so it was like running through a haunted house except it was all outside in the dark— and it was about the same level of “scary” as the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland (which is to say not very scary at all). So we were running the race, and then at around the halfway point, there was this zombie that emerged and you had to follow him and not lose sight of him, which was not easy because dang, this zombie was super fast, but somehow S and I both managed to do it, so we passed that part of the race and the zombie disappeared after that. Then, there was this “test” sort of part of the race which was a short course which you had to run through twice and there was some kind of sensor or machine that showed you all kinds of data (like your heart rate, speed, things about your muscles, etc)—it was really amazing! Then, after that, there was one last stretch where you had to run to the end of the pumpkin patch where there were all of these scarecrows and then loop around a track, and it was a straight-away to the finish line. Now, what no one told you (it was intended to be a surprise) was that after you got to the end of the pumpkin patch, just when you thought he was gone for good, the zombie would appear from out of nowhere and this time, he chased YOU! And you had to make it to the finish line before he caught you. It was terrifying, and this zombie was so fast that I thought, there’s no way I’m going to make it— and S was yelling “Run, Kellie, run!” and somehow my adrenaline kicked in and I was running faster than I had ever run in my life and S and I both made it to the finish line! I got a piece of paper saying “You did it!” and the paper also had a print-out of all of my health data from the test part of the race, so that was cool, too. And overall, it was so exciting and exhilarating— I didn’t know that I could run that fast. S was taking selfies of us at the end in like a “Whoa, did we really do this?” pose. Then I woke up.

I lay awake in bed thinking about the dream was so vivid, and why did I dream that? And after about a half an hour, I remembered I had put yomogi (mugwort) patches on the bottom of my feet last night, and yomogi is a known dream stimulant. 

A very Scooby-Doo (original series) kind of dream, 

if you know what I mean. 

turning into dust. . .

So much to say. . . 

In a season of change--- 

all feels strange

looking down at my hands

my body

Is it truly

ME

?

I feel so lucky

So incredibly blessed 

To have the opportunities presented to me

Really really lucky

In everyday life, in the grind of work— and work is BUSY

too busy at times to sink into the rhythms of life, or feel like I can just sit back and relax

But 

Truly

We all have the power to rise above

Rise above 

those silly obstacles 

which truth be told 

are

all in the mind

Truly.

Come with me

On your personal, beautiful

journey 

bizarre convo of the day

I get to work exactly on time, breathless, having run (literally) from a voice acting gig for a game which ran late. 

At work, in the back office is a supervisor I’ve never met.

Me: Oh, hello!

Supervisor: Oh, hey! I think it’s our first time meeting?

Me: Yeah! I think so.

(we shake hands) 

I’m Kellie!

Supervisor: Oh! Kellie. . . .  Holway?

Me: Um, yes. . . 

Supervisor: Wow! I was just talking about you yesterday!

Me: (thoroughly confused) Wait. . . what do you mean??

A longish conversation ensued, inevitably turning to Black Mirror. But in the end, it turns out, we have a mutual friend who happened to mention me in conversation (possibly also having some Black Mirror connection) the day before.

I felt cool for a nano-second.

Tokyo with all it’s big city bravado, is truly the smallest world after all. 

Which way is up?*

What a strange year you were, 2017.

It was a year that found me in a delusional state.

1. I thought I had my love life figured out (in more ways than one) -

nope!

2.  So much work was coming my way that I became somewhat desensitized to it all. Also, NG.

3. I knew that something was up with me internally, and knew that I needed to make a change, and the end of the year was spent mostly prepping for that. A LOT of work, mostly packing to move to a new place and all that came with it, but I did it all of it solo. At the time, I just had to get the things done. . . but looking back on it now, I realize that it was a huge transition time for me, and I'm still in that time now. . . but I'm at the end of the tunnel now and able to see the light.

and on a positive note:

4. I realized JUST how much I love writing!

*Let's find the light together 2018!

Portland + Thai = Pai ?

We are meant for:

beauty 

in the great outdoors

(see. . . bug spray)

fault lines

(mine and yours')

thunder 

and 

lightning

and 

blue skies

Pai is outstanding 

for 

all 

living beings